Catfish

I was catfished, by a darkly disturbed individual.. and i dont mind.

I’ve always fallen hard in love. My first boyfriend in high school i knew I would marry. We didn’t, of course. And never mind the fact that we had nothing really in common and he was, like many young men, mostly only interested in sex. I couldn’t stand to be away from him, not even to go on vacations with my family. I pined the entire time for when we were to be back together, wrapped in each others arms. The first heartbreak, as every women (and man) knows, is the hardest. It shatters who you are so completely, you emerge eventually as a totally different person. A literal spiritual death. At the time, we don’t realize that these experiences are necessary for us, as still developing humans. It’s how we grow, and mature. It’s the natural path to finding out who we are, what makes us tick, what makes us happy, and what we want out of life, and who we want to be.

And so it went in my love life. I married young. It was a turbulent relationship, to put it lightly. But I craved it. Is it really love, if you haven’t tried to kill each other a few times, at some points? How do you know you really love them, if you’re not separated for 6 months at a time? And you see them again and realize you still miss them. Or making expensive mistakes that get you thrown in jail, and they get themselves arrested too, just so you dont have to go in cuffs alone.

Taking a unified vow of silence together, even though you can’t see each other, but can still hear each other through thin walls.

Or following them out a window, and up an icy wet A-frame roof, straddling the tip at the top, looking at the concrete ground from seven stories up, at 4am.. All because they got too drunk and high, and struggled with the fact that they had to leave, on the night before they went to a desert half way across the world, for a war that wasn’t even theirs. And you didn’t want them to be alone. Better to suffer (or slip and die) together.

You gotta prove it. Trauma bonds run deep, and are unbreakable. We both thought we would be together forever, but life acts in mysterious ways… it wasn’t meant to be, in the long run.

After my marriage ended, I fell into a very deep, destructive depression, for years. One plus however, was that I lost my annoying habit of falling in love deeply with anyone. Before my husband, I’d only been with a few guys. And after we ended, a handful more. But they all annoyed the fuck out of me. Always wanting more, always wanting to get breakfast the next day, always trying to make plans with me. I just didn’t care about any of the guys I met, after him. I unintentionally hurt a few during this time, who managed to get swept up in my psycho tornado. I’m sure they’re over it by now though. I dont even remember all their names, that’s how little I cared.

But nothing mattered, it felt like the world had lost its color. The seasons, and time, all just blended together.

I lost myself in my business. I hated having to show up for family holidays. I wanted what they had, and was resentful I’d never have it. Everyone looked at me and saw a successful, happy, carefree woman. But inside I was miserable and lonely, my facade was just that, fake.

A few months ago, I was browsing as usual on an unnamed anonymous online forum that I like to spend time in. Someone posted about being a targeted individual. My interest was slightly peaked. I didn’t believe in TIs. So I started talking to this weird guy, who I thought was probably most likely 100% completely insane. Not for any real reason; boredom and piqued interest solely. And we started talking more. I actually found myself liking him. So, I cared when he blocked me. But I figured he just didn’t like me.

But then I started noticing my phone being hacked. Stories being written about me online. People pretending to be me. I knew it was him. I know it’s him, still. I didnt understand why. I still dont understand why.

Maybe it’s punishment, or some type of karmic penance for my past.

And so it went, talking to this guy I met on a conspiracy forum online for a few weeks, and then he’d block me. And id loophole ways to talk to him again, not because I was just so obsessed with this person I didn’t even really know and had neved met; no, that would come later- but because I’m not an idiot and wanted him to stop hacking all my devices. He said it wasn’t him. So, we’d start talking again…and then he’d block me a few weeks or more likely, days later. It drove me absolutely mad. Like some psycho game of cat & mouse. I should’ve just left it alone, any normal person would’ve.

I, however, am no normal person, and just can’t help myself in these types of matters…so of course I decided at that point to burn it all down, instead. Burned bridges leave no room for confusion in the future, and I’ve always preferred to be certain of things, instead of leaving doors open. Now typically, I prefer to exist in the grey areas of life, in almost all aspects… except matters of the heart.

I once watched a video he posted online that was just 25+ minutes of him rambling about how to make a good rissoto. I was in this for the long run.

I’ve always wanted to travel, I have never much liked being in the same place for very long. So when an opportunity arose recently that would allow me to travel, I took it. I also wanted to meet this strange catfish I had met on an online conspiracy group. Most people would think I’m crazy; I never saw it that way. Maybe I just trust people too much. I think that how you treat people is who they become. Self-fullfilling prophecies. So I’ve never felt in danger, regardless of who I’ve talked to. And the strange people are the ones I’ve always enjoyed conversing with most. Normal people are incurably boring, and I get no benefit from that.

So, I finally met this odd englishman, who lived in a town I was quite sure up until a month ago was made up for a fairytale book. And then, just like online, he blocked me. But in real life…a few times. Which is much more devastating, for those who don’t know.

And now, thinking back on it, I don’t think anything he told me was true. Every single thing was a lie. I don’t know how I feel about that. I know he likes bagels. So at least I know we have that in common, for sure. I think he thinks he’s fat. I never thought so… and if I thought anything about that, it was only because I was really worried about him. I still am. I still think he’s the most handsome man I’ve ever been with, and was slightly confused what he saw in me.

At this point, even I’m asking myself what the hell I’m thinking? Have I met my crazy-level match soulmate? What game is this, what’s the score? I can’t see him, but I know he’s here… that type of thing.

And just like that, he’s gone again.

He spent the first week of me being back home from my overseas trip trying to kill me. Secretly drugging me and psychologically tormenting me, to the brink of mental psychosis. But that’s not the type of crazy I am. So, it didn’t work… fully. He spent the week after that trying to emotionally destroy me. The only part of that plan that actually had a slight effect on me, was the foot thing. That one kinda stung. Because now I think it was a lie, that thing we do with our feet. Knowing that is probably the one thing that bothered me most from that week, if I’m being honest.

But you really shouldn’t make fun of ugly disabled people in hoodies like that. It felt too mean laughing in his face.

And sorry about the cops. But thanks for reminding me why I fucking hate them.

It’s kinda funny to admit that I was catfished online. I was really depressed for a long time. But meeting a catfish or a deeply disturbed individual online was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can see the world in color again… even if he can’t. But I’d gladly describe it to him again. I never thought I’d meet someone again who cared enough to try to kill me.

So, obviously its love.